All Clear

It’s official…my follow up appointment went well and I am cleared to go back to work. My conversation with the doctor brought some much needed closure (I feel like I can‘t get enough). We have a “plan” for doing all in our power to prevent another miscarriage but I know in my heart God is sovereign and I pray daily for our future children.  After the miscarriage I missed praying for the baby the most. Aside from taking care of my body it was really the only way I was a mother to that baby and it was tough giving that up.  After our weekend getaway I began praying for our next baby, trusting we would get pregnant again.  I have accepted that I will never fully “get over” loosing a baby but through healing I can truly be joyful in hope that we will have a family one day.  Each day the breakdowns are less and I am seeking not only to live in God’s peace but to experience joy and not surrender to the feelings of indifference.

The last few days I feel like I have become a human again, an actual member of society.  It’s been almost three weeks since the first heartbreaking ultrasound and I figured it was time to get out of the house and step away from the pups even though it breaks my heart to leave them these days. I started out with errands then advanced to a coffee date and a lunch date. With each errand or conversation it got a little easier. I even hosted a baby shower for my dear friend/cousin-in-law Carrianna on Saturday. Carrianna kept telling me not to worry about the shower but I really wanted to celebrate her and the new baby. More than ever I know that life is such a miracle and it should always be fully celebrated. That morning I could tell my heart was feeling weak so I spent some time praying and talked through my emotions with Eli. I can honestly say that through God’s grace my heart was full of joy as we celebrated the upcoming arrival of that sweet baby boy. I had a great time at the shower catching up with the ladies and getting excited with the mother-to be. Aside from my adventures in the real world I have spent most of my time with Eli. He has been such a foundation for me and so selfless these last couple weeks.  I feel like he can always tell if I need to talk and/or cry about the loss or when I just need him to pick me up and make me laugh. I feel so blessed and so thankful not only for him but for all of our friends and family. As I continue to receive uplifting cards, calls, and texts I am blown away by the wonderful people in my life. I have always treasured my friends and family but have such a deeper understanding of what a gift those relationships are and I am forever thankful.  

For those of you interested in the plan:

They are going to monitor my blood HCG levels weekly until they return to zero. They said it could take up to six weeks but I had such a significant drop at my follow up they said it could be earlier. Once my HCG reaches zero they are going to take a variety of bloodwork.  I am not sure exactly which labs that entails but I know they will be looking at clotting factors and hormone levels. Eli and I just keep praying for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby with hopeful hearts.