The Space in Between

I sometimes feel like I am in movie remembering a tragedy I experienced but viewing it from an outside perspective (like those mind boggling Matt Damon and Leonardo Dicaprio films). After the first week of work I felt like I was living my pre-pregnancy life but with flashbacks of the miscarriage. Some moments I would be filled with peace as I reflected on God’s presence in my life during that time while other moments I would be lost in grief.  I  would find myself thinking, did we really loose a baby? What do I do next? Where do we go from here? For a while I would count down the days until I got my weekly HCG results.  I was  anxiously awaiting the return to zero so I could get my “miscarriage labs” drawn but now it has just become a part of my new routine.

My life consists of work, church, and spending time Eli and our precious friends. Work has been busy but I really love catching up with my co-workers and have taken care of some really sweet patients. I have had so much fun hanging out with friends and dating Eli the last few weeks. We are planning our big trip to Germany and Sweden and I am so excited. Honestly, it took me a while to get excited for the trip and I even felt guilty going so soon after our loss but my healing heart has changed and I could not be more excited. I have been shopping for my “Euro Drobe” (aka European Wardrobe) and planning activities with my dear friend, Sarah. Being busy has been a gift and I actually like the to do lists. At the suggestion of the midwife I have given up jogging and began speed walking. I have really been enjoying my new little hobby but it has it’s humbling moments. For example, a couple in approximately their late 50s came jogging past me and the woman was even wearing a sports bra. I couldn’t help but laugh at myself huffing along strutting my funny little speed walk. But I must say I now see why speed walking is in the Olympics...my legs are so sore. 

Things are starting to move along in the medical department. My HCG has officially dropped to zero so we can begin the testing. I go for another follow up appointment on Monday to discuss the labs and hopefully get them drawn that afternoon. Part of me wants to find a problem with an easy solution like hormone replacement so we can “fix” it and hopefully have a healthy pregnancy next time around. The other part of me just wants everything to be negative so we can move on and start trying whenever we are ready knowing there was nothing we could do to prevent the miscarriage. I am just praying for God’s divine hand in everything.  Even on my toughest days when my fears and questions about future children overwhelm me I am met with a calm presence and understanding that He has a plan and I trust Him above all else.