I sometimes feel like I am in movie remembering a tragedy I experienced but viewing it from an outside perspective (like those mind boggling Matt Damon and Leonardo Dicaprio films). After the first week of work I felt like I was living my pre-pregnancy life but with flashbacks of the miscarriage. Some moments I would be filled with peace as I reflected on God’s presence in my life during that time while other moments I would be lost in grief. I would find myself thinking, did we really loose a baby? What do I do next? Where do we go from here? For a while I would count down the days until I got my weekly HCG results. I was anxiously awaiting the return to zero so I could get my “miscarriage labs” drawn but now it has just become a part of my new routine.
My life consists of work, church, and spending time Eli and our precious friends. Work has been busy but I really love catching up with my co-workers and have taken care of some really sweet patients. I have had so much fun hanging out with friends and dating Eli the last few weeks. We are planning our big trip to Germany and Sweden and I am so excited. Honestly, it took me a while to get excited for the trip and I even felt guilty going so soon after our loss but my healing heart has changed and I could not be more excited. I have been shopping for my “Euro Drobe” (aka European Wardrobe) and planning activities with my dear friend, Sarah. Being busy has been a gift and I actually like the to do lists. At the suggestion of the midwife I have given up jogging and began speed walking. I have really been enjoying my new little hobby but it has it’s humbling moments. For example, a couple in approximately their late 50s came jogging past me and the woman was even wearing a sports bra. I couldn’t help but laugh at myself huffing along strutting my funny little speed walk. But I must say I now see why speed walking is in the Olympics...my legs are so sore.
Things are starting to move along in the medical department. My HCG has officially dropped to zero so we can begin the testing. I go for another follow up appointment on Monday to discuss the labs and hopefully get them drawn that afternoon. Part of me wants to find a problem with an easy solution like hormone replacement so we can “fix” it and hopefully have a healthy pregnancy next time around. The other part of me just wants everything to be negative so we can move on and start trying whenever we are ready knowing there was nothing we could do to prevent the miscarriage. I am just praying for God’s divine hand in everything. Even on my toughest days when my fears and questions about future children overwhelm me I am met with a calm presence and understanding that He has a plan and I trust Him above all else.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
All Clear
It’s official…my follow up appointment went well and I am cleared to go back to work. My conversation with the doctor brought some much needed closure (I feel like I can‘t get enough). We have a “plan” for doing all in our power to prevent another miscarriage but I know in my heart God is sovereign and I pray daily for our future children. After the miscarriage I missed praying for the baby the most. Aside from taking care of my body it was really the only way I was a mother to that baby and it was tough giving that up. After our weekend getaway I began praying for our next baby, trusting we would get pregnant again. I have accepted that I will never fully “get over” loosing a baby but through healing I can truly be joyful in hope that we will have a family one day. Each day the breakdowns are less and I am seeking not only to live in God’s peace but to experience joy and not surrender to the feelings of indifference.
The last few days I feel like I have become a human again, an actual member of society. It’s been almost three weeks since the first heartbreaking ultrasound and I figured it was time to get out of the house and step away from the pups even though it breaks my heart to leave them these days. I started out with errands then advanced to a coffee date and a lunch date. With each errand or conversation it got a little easier. I even hosted a baby shower for my dear friend/cousin-in-law Carrianna on Saturday. Carrianna kept telling me not to worry about the shower but I really wanted to celebrate her and the new baby. More than ever I know that life is such a miracle and it should always be fully celebrated. That morning I could tell my heart was feeling weak so I spent some time praying and talked through my emotions with Eli. I can honestly say that through God’s grace my heart was full of joy as we celebrated the upcoming arrival of that sweet baby boy. I had a great time at the shower catching up with the ladies and getting excited with the mother-to be. Aside from my adventures in the real world I have spent most of my time with Eli. He has been such a foundation for me and so selfless these last couple weeks. I feel like he can always tell if I need to talk and/or cry about the loss or when I just need him to pick me up and make me laugh. I feel so blessed and so thankful not only for him but for all of our friends and family. As I continue to receive uplifting cards, calls, and texts I am blown away by the wonderful people in my life. I have always treasured my friends and family but have such a deeper understanding of what a gift those relationships are and I am forever thankful.
For those of you interested in the plan:
They are going to monitor my blood HCG levels weekly until they return to zero. They said it could take up to six weeks but I had such a significant drop at my follow up they said it could be earlier. Once my HCG reaches zero they are going to take a variety of bloodwork. I am not sure exactly which labs that entails but I know they will be looking at clotting factors and hormone levels. Eli and I just keep praying for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby with hopeful hearts.
The last few days I feel like I have become a human again, an actual member of society. It’s been almost three weeks since the first heartbreaking ultrasound and I figured it was time to get out of the house and step away from the pups even though it breaks my heart to leave them these days. I started out with errands then advanced to a coffee date and a lunch date. With each errand or conversation it got a little easier. I even hosted a baby shower for my dear friend/cousin-in-law Carrianna on Saturday. Carrianna kept telling me not to worry about the shower but I really wanted to celebrate her and the new baby. More than ever I know that life is such a miracle and it should always be fully celebrated. That morning I could tell my heart was feeling weak so I spent some time praying and talked through my emotions with Eli. I can honestly say that through God’s grace my heart was full of joy as we celebrated the upcoming arrival of that sweet baby boy. I had a great time at the shower catching up with the ladies and getting excited with the mother-to be. Aside from my adventures in the real world I have spent most of my time with Eli. He has been such a foundation for me and so selfless these last couple weeks. I feel like he can always tell if I need to talk and/or cry about the loss or when I just need him to pick me up and make me laugh. I feel so blessed and so thankful not only for him but for all of our friends and family. As I continue to receive uplifting cards, calls, and texts I am blown away by the wonderful people in my life. I have always treasured my friends and family but have such a deeper understanding of what a gift those relationships are and I am forever thankful.
For those of you interested in the plan:
They are going to monitor my blood HCG levels weekly until they return to zero. They said it could take up to six weeks but I had such a significant drop at my follow up they said it could be earlier. Once my HCG reaches zero they are going to take a variety of bloodwork. I am not sure exactly which labs that entails but I know they will be looking at clotting factors and hormone levels. Eli and I just keep praying for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby with hopeful hearts.
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