The Valley

My dear cousin and now fellow “blogger”, Sarah once told me that it always seemed like people started blogs after coming out of a tragedy. In my recent “blog studies” I have found that to be true in many cases. It is encouraging for us to read back on one’s trials while rejoicing in the victory and hope they have found. On the other hand, the blogs written while the author is hurting seem to be dark and painful which can be therapeutic for those going through the battle. Now, I am not a creative writer or even that interesting of a person for that matter, but I wanted to share our story while we were amidst the trial yet clinging to hope in our loving Savior. I have been encouraged by many blogs and it’s my prayer that even one person could find comfort or insight while reading my little blogspot.

MISCARRIAGE is such a dirty word and has always made me cringe. I know many amazing women that have suffered through a miscarriage and I was always filled with compassion as I heard their stories. However, it wasn’t until July 11, 2011 that my heart truly understood the brokenness and loss a mother experiences when losing a child before even getting the opportunity to meet them.

Eli and I went to our 10 week appointment to find our precious baby was at the developmental stage of a 5 ½ week baby. To be honest I had lived in fear that I would miscarry as I experienced cramping during early pregnancy.  As time passed I thought if I hadn’t started to miscarry yet I should be in the clear. The day we found out I was pregnant I gave up caffeine cold turkey, literally gave up cold turkey and all other deli meats, drank 96 oz of water a day, slept on my side, and we prayed over this baby every night. I read every possible suggestion and followed it religiously. It wasn’t until week nine I finally began to gain confidence in the pregnancy with the first ultrasound in sight. I had some bleeding at work a couple days before the scheduled ultrasound. The bleeding ending up resolving being caused by a small subchorionic bleed (this is common and not a threat to the baby or the pregnancy). Because of the bleeding I bumped the ultrasound up a day but with the bleeding resolved by the time of the appointment I was overflowing with excitement and feeling confident. Walking out after the appointment with my strong husband by my side I knew my heart would never be the same. The doctor had given us a small hope the baby would continue to develop under the assumption that our dates were off. I had activity restrictions and those few days I prayed with more desperation than ever before. Between prayers for a miracle baby I was grieving with periods of uncontrollable sorrow and tears. After a few more HCG levels and two more ultrasounds it was definite the baby had passed. I will be going for my D&C in the morning. Being a nurse I am running over every risk in my head and praying for peace and protection.

I cannot finish this first blog entry without expressing my deep gratitude to my family and friends that have been so loving and supportive through this time. I have truly felt your prayers lift me up in times I didn’t have the strength. The beautiful bouquets from my amazing co-workers and my precious friend Whitny have brought cheer to our home on days I didn’t want to open the blinds. (Don’t worry I have not become a hermit just a couple low days.) The visit from my loving parents last weekend allowed me to grieve with them and accept that life goes on. Every call, text, and email touched my heart and I feel so humbled and blessed.  I leave you with a verse that I have been clinging to the last few days.

“I have told you these things, so that in  me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33