Seeking Closure

Yesterday I had my D&C and it was an answer to prayer. Eli was able to take the whole day off work and it’s a good thing because the nurse said I was asking for him right when the anesthesia started to wear off. The doctor said everything went well and to follow up in a week. In addition to following up on the procedure we would discuss what the next step would be prevent another miscarriage. Eli and I were both touched by his compassion and his willingness to go forth with labs and tests before we would try again. I continually pray that by God’s grace we will be able to fill our home with children one day.

I have to admit there is a sense of guilt when talking about having another baby. I know it is encouraging that we can get pregnant but it doesn’t take away from the devastating reality that we will never meet the baby we lost. This may sound dramatic but I can’t help but feel like our family will always seem incomplete. I have talked to other women who have suffered from the pains of miscarriage and it seems like that feeling doesn’t go away but that it never takes from the joy of having children which is encouraging.

Overall, the D&C and talking about future pregnancies brought a good sense of closure. I could feel prayers lifting me up yesterday as I was filled with peace and hope. I was able to think about other things without grieving over the miscarriage (I know I sound self absorbed but I haven’t even been able to concentrate on sitcoms lately). I went to bed last night feeling peaceful, looking forward to getting back to living my life.   

After a truly restful night I called to make my follow up appointment this morning and ask the about when I could go back to work. When the nurse told me I had to wait until I got cleared at my follow up appointment my new found peace flew right out the window. I started bawling on the phone. I felt like I was ready to move on and the nurse was holding me back. She was shocked I was crying and her tone of voice changed from slightly annoyed to compassionate and understanding. When I got off the phone my tears became uncontrollable. I realized I wasn’t just disappointed about not getting back to work but my heart was aching for our lost baby. I was seeking a distraction from the pain and the reality of the miscarriage hit me over the head. I guess I felt like I had emotionally graduated to the acceptance and closure step of the “grieving process” and I wasn’t supposed to continue to experience such pain. After my episode I decided to quit analyzing my emotions and just try to live in God’s peace whether I am crying, daydreaming about what the baby would look like, doing housework, playing with dogs, or working. As Eli says, it will always be a part of our story and we have to trust God through it all. I am blessed to have Eli as my partner in life and we are being continually blessed by our friends and family during this time. It always seems like at my lowest points I see a new message or get a voicemail that picks me up. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Healing through Laughter: In the pre-op room they started my IV fluids and gave me my first dose of drugs to “relax” me. They put an oxygen saturation monitor on my finger since I was designated as a “lightweight”. I couldn’t help myself so I slipped off the monitor under the blankets and drop my head back to see what Eli would do. Knowing me all too well he laughed in my face. It was the first time we had joked around in a while and it felt good.