Hope

Breakfast with the horses

After my episode of finding out I had to wait another week to return to work a mentor of mine suggested Eli and I get away for the weekend. At first I took it as a nice thought but knew it would be tough to find a low key destination that was not too far away from home (I was still recovering and didn’t want to be too far from my doctors). Not to mention it would have to accept two large dogs which required a place to play and run. Fortunately, I have not become too lazy for a google search and found the Barking Fox Farm in western South Carolina. It is a 40 acre horse farm with two gorgeous guesthouses amidst the beautiful horse pasture. The owners had been frequent travelers and always sought lodging that would accept their great dane so they now run the most dog friendly bed & breakfast around. Planning the trip was the first time I had looked forward to something in a while. It was a small victory against the battle of indifference. Aside from my breakdowns nothing seemed to excite me or upset me and this felt like a breakthrough. Eli was on board right away, I think he knew getting out of the house would be good for us both.  I have been overwhelmed with gratitude from all the beautiful bouquets, uplifting cards, messages, emails and prayer support we have received from our loving friends and family. It was special because it honestly felt like this was a gift from our Father God.

The majority of my time was spent on the porch. We had a covered porch overlooking the pasture and the horses would come say hello every morning. It was so peaceful looking out on the rolling hills taking in God’s creation. Our first morning there as I was reading through Romans I read this passage with a whole new perspective. It felt like I was reading it for the first time.

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Romans 5:3-5

I was filled with hope, believing and trusting that God has a plan for our family and my desire to be a mom would be fulfilled one day. I also understood that no matter the situation or battle I am facing God is on the throne worthy to be praised.  The sadness is still with me but I have hope believing and trusting God with all my heart.

Our little trip was so relaxing and restored us both. Eli’s favorite parts were driving through the mountains, running the pasture with the pups, and his three and half hour nap Saturday afternoon. Chase loved getting to know the horses and they loved him. We could leave him off the leash and he would politely sniff their noses without spooking them.  If Riley could talk I am sure she would say her favorite part was chasing after the deer and romping around in the creek. My favorite part was breakfast on the porch and reading all day Saturday. Normally I would rather go for a run, watch a movie, or do pretty much anything before reading for “fun” but exercise was out of the question and I was pretty burnt out on television so I packed a book. To Eli’s and my surprise I read all Saturday afternoon and enjoyed every minute of it. Being home the last couple days has been a little rough. It’s almost like readjusting to reality and accepting that I really did have a miscarriage but I can honestly say I am feeling hopeful and looking forward to what’s next.



 

View from the porch

Chase making friends

Eli and Riley rocking on the porch

Seeking Closure

Yesterday I had my D&C and it was an answer to prayer. Eli was able to take the whole day off work and it’s a good thing because the nurse said I was asking for him right when the anesthesia started to wear off. The doctor said everything went well and to follow up in a week. In addition to following up on the procedure we would discuss what the next step would be prevent another miscarriage. Eli and I were both touched by his compassion and his willingness to go forth with labs and tests before we would try again. I continually pray that by God’s grace we will be able to fill our home with children one day.

I have to admit there is a sense of guilt when talking about having another baby. I know it is encouraging that we can get pregnant but it doesn’t take away from the devastating reality that we will never meet the baby we lost. This may sound dramatic but I can’t help but feel like our family will always seem incomplete. I have talked to other women who have suffered from the pains of miscarriage and it seems like that feeling doesn’t go away but that it never takes from the joy of having children which is encouraging.

Overall, the D&C and talking about future pregnancies brought a good sense of closure. I could feel prayers lifting me up yesterday as I was filled with peace and hope. I was able to think about other things without grieving over the miscarriage (I know I sound self absorbed but I haven’t even been able to concentrate on sitcoms lately). I went to bed last night feeling peaceful, looking forward to getting back to living my life.   

After a truly restful night I called to make my follow up appointment this morning and ask the about when I could go back to work. When the nurse told me I had to wait until I got cleared at my follow up appointment my new found peace flew right out the window. I started bawling on the phone. I felt like I was ready to move on and the nurse was holding me back. She was shocked I was crying and her tone of voice changed from slightly annoyed to compassionate and understanding. When I got off the phone my tears became uncontrollable. I realized I wasn’t just disappointed about not getting back to work but my heart was aching for our lost baby. I was seeking a distraction from the pain and the reality of the miscarriage hit me over the head. I guess I felt like I had emotionally graduated to the acceptance and closure step of the “grieving process” and I wasn’t supposed to continue to experience such pain. After my episode I decided to quit analyzing my emotions and just try to live in God’s peace whether I am crying, daydreaming about what the baby would look like, doing housework, playing with dogs, or working. As Eli says, it will always be a part of our story and we have to trust God through it all. I am blessed to have Eli as my partner in life and we are being continually blessed by our friends and family during this time. It always seems like at my lowest points I see a new message or get a voicemail that picks me up. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Healing through Laughter: In the pre-op room they started my IV fluids and gave me my first dose of drugs to “relax” me. They put an oxygen saturation monitor on my finger since I was designated as a “lightweight”. I couldn’t help myself so I slipped off the monitor under the blankets and drop my head back to see what Eli would do. Knowing me all too well he laughed in my face. It was the first time we had joked around in a while and it felt good.

The Valley

My dear cousin and now fellow “blogger”, Sarah once told me that it always seemed like people started blogs after coming out of a tragedy. In my recent “blog studies” I have found that to be true in many cases. It is encouraging for us to read back on one’s trials while rejoicing in the victory and hope they have found. On the other hand, the blogs written while the author is hurting seem to be dark and painful which can be therapeutic for those going through the battle. Now, I am not a creative writer or even that interesting of a person for that matter, but I wanted to share our story while we were amidst the trial yet clinging to hope in our loving Savior. I have been encouraged by many blogs and it’s my prayer that even one person could find comfort or insight while reading my little blogspot.

MISCARRIAGE is such a dirty word and has always made me cringe. I know many amazing women that have suffered through a miscarriage and I was always filled with compassion as I heard their stories. However, it wasn’t until July 11, 2011 that my heart truly understood the brokenness and loss a mother experiences when losing a child before even getting the opportunity to meet them.

Eli and I went to our 10 week appointment to find our precious baby was at the developmental stage of a 5 ½ week baby. To be honest I had lived in fear that I would miscarry as I experienced cramping during early pregnancy.  As time passed I thought if I hadn’t started to miscarry yet I should be in the clear. The day we found out I was pregnant I gave up caffeine cold turkey, literally gave up cold turkey and all other deli meats, drank 96 oz of water a day, slept on my side, and we prayed over this baby every night. I read every possible suggestion and followed it religiously. It wasn’t until week nine I finally began to gain confidence in the pregnancy with the first ultrasound in sight. I had some bleeding at work a couple days before the scheduled ultrasound. The bleeding ending up resolving being caused by a small subchorionic bleed (this is common and not a threat to the baby or the pregnancy). Because of the bleeding I bumped the ultrasound up a day but with the bleeding resolved by the time of the appointment I was overflowing with excitement and feeling confident. Walking out after the appointment with my strong husband by my side I knew my heart would never be the same. The doctor had given us a small hope the baby would continue to develop under the assumption that our dates were off. I had activity restrictions and those few days I prayed with more desperation than ever before. Between prayers for a miracle baby I was grieving with periods of uncontrollable sorrow and tears. After a few more HCG levels and two more ultrasounds it was definite the baby had passed. I will be going for my D&C in the morning. Being a nurse I am running over every risk in my head and praying for peace and protection.

I cannot finish this first blog entry without expressing my deep gratitude to my family and friends that have been so loving and supportive through this time. I have truly felt your prayers lift me up in times I didn’t have the strength. The beautiful bouquets from my amazing co-workers and my precious friend Whitny have brought cheer to our home on days I didn’t want to open the blinds. (Don’t worry I have not become a hermit just a couple low days.) The visit from my loving parents last weekend allowed me to grieve with them and accept that life goes on. Every call, text, and email touched my heart and I feel so humbled and blessed.  I leave you with a verse that I have been clinging to the last few days.

“I have told you these things, so that in  me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33